Do You and Your Partner Need a ‘Sleep Divorce?’

I was unfamiliar with the phrase “sleep divorce” before reading this article in the Wall Street Journal today. After more than thirty blissful years of marriage to a truly wonderful woman, I was even more shocked to learn that I’d already gotten one. The report features a number of couples including Ryan and Elizabeth Pearson who were having trouble in their marriages until they came to the realization that they were very well matched in their daily lives, but they were not a good match in bed. That’s not a reference to their sexual compatibility. They just couldn’t get a good night’s sleep in the same bed together. So they made a change and began sleeping apart and they reportedly have no regrets at all. It turns out that this is more common than many of us might have thought. (Subscription required)

Elizabeth Pearson and her husband, Ryan Pearson, have been married for 16 years, and for half of that time, they have slept in separate bedrooms.

“We both travel for work quite a bit, and we noticed that we slept great in hotels,” said Elizabeth, 42, an author and executive coach. “Where we slept poorly was when we were at home in the bed together.” 

Ryan, 47, is 6-feet-6-inches tall, snores “like a chain saw,” has restless leg syndrome and on one occasion punched Elizabeth in the face while sleeping, she said. “Waking up angry at him every morning was driving a rift in the relationship.” 

When you stop and think about it, this makes quite a bit of sense. Getting a good night’s sleep is important. Speaking as someone who has experienced sleep issues from time to time, I can say it’s absolutely true that a poor night’s sleep can leave you feeling disjointed and out of balance the next day. You can see how a person might become short-tempered and irritated with their spouse or partner under those conditions even if they love them very much. And some couples like the Pearsons might interpret that as a sign that they are not getting along and are perhaps not compatible.

Without going too deeply into detail and hopefully, without grossing anyone out, I will confess that my wife and I experienced a similar journey. I was a firm believer that sleeping together in the same bed was an important part of the marital relationship. But like Ryan Pearson, it turns out that I have a problem with snoring that simply can’t be ignored. I also go through periods where my erratic dreams will have me tossing and turning throughout the night. 

More than a dozen years ago, after turning in for the night, my wife announced to me that she very much needed a solid night’s sleep and she was going across the hall to sleep in the guest bedroom. There was no discussion or debate over the matter. We both slept soundly and it’s been that way ever since. We go to bed together, perhaps watch a bit of television, and say goodnight, and she goes across the hall. If we had discussed or debated it in advance I probably would have objected, but as it turned out it just sort of happened naturally and we’ve had no regrets.

Some might wonder if such an arrangement has a negative impact on the couple’s romantic life. Elizabeth Pearson told the WSJ that the reality was the exact opposite. Well-rested people who haven’t been carping at each other all day are generally more likely to be “in the mood” when bedtime rolls around. She claims that their relationship has actually improved in that regard since their “sleep divorce.”

But this may not be possible for everyone. It is revealed in the article that the Pearsons live in a “six-bedroom, four-bath Mediterranean home in Laguna Niguel, Calif., that they purchased in 2017 for $1.5 million.” That’s a lot of space in a single-family home, offering plenty of options. Our home is nowhere near that luxurious, but we do have three bedrooms, so we were able to make it work as well. Not everyone is so fortunate. Couples living in a one-bedroom apartment (or with extra bedrooms that are already occupied by children) may not be able to find a way to make this work. Not everyone will be financially able to upgrade to get an extra bedroom, particularly under the current economic conditions. And going to sleep on a couch or recliner every night is not the same thing as sinking into a mattress under some blankets. 

This is something that younger couples may want to take into consideration when starting out in their lives together. Investing in an extra bedroom may turn out to be worth the money in the long run, particularly if it improves the chances of ensuring the longevity of your marriage. As a bonus, you’ll have room if relatives or friends need a place to crash for the night. (You and your spouse can make it through a night or two of sleeping together if you have to.) This probably isn’t groundbreaking news, but I found it interesting and potentially useful so I thought I would share it with our readers.