I Drew the Short Straw: Live Blogging the SOTU With Beege!

Ah, the wrap-up. As I have no idea what that was we were all just subjected to, I won’t even pretend that I’m the least bit interested in doing any more in-depth analysis than what I tried to scribble out as the unfortunate event occurred. I’ll leave that sort of thing for my more intellectual and educated colleagues to dissect.

What I WILL do is thank all of YOU for gamely following along with the SOTU follies as I tried my best to transcribe the madness. You are good, GOOD sports, and great Americans. If you were in the comments (join our VIP program if you weren’t – it can be fun af!), thank you for your terrific support and unrelenting hilarity in the face of the disaster at the podium.

Seriously. WTF WAS that?

And DRINK!

Night guys!

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PRAISE BABY JESUS THAT’S THE END WTF

10:34 Right to choose and protect our freedoms are the same thing POTATUS sees in our future. We save the planet from Gorebal warming and gun violence

10:31 Just so we’re all clear, because there seems to be some confusion while POTATUS is assuring us of his mental acumen – BOBBY CUNNINGHAM was assassinated

Bobby

CUNNINGHAM

Got that?

PRAISE JESUS closing after curing cancer

10:27 OH GIVE ME A FAWKING BREAK “Sacred Obligation” you watch watcher

WTF is a GTB?

God I so despise this miserable pos

Two state solution? I hope Bibi tells you to blow it out you nasal orifice. And your dozen country coalition is a lie. There’s no one

10:25 NO BOOTS ON THE GROUND but our kids are sitting ducks in the water you miserbale POS. But it’s not YOUR crackhead kid out there is it?

Can he tap dance thru this?

10:22 Stumbling on Israel

10:21 Now he’s going to step in it

10:20 OMG has he left out a single Dem talking point in this breathless recitation…and now the middle East

And TRUMP SUCKS

Over/under that he doesn’t surface for a week after this one.

10:17 I’m taking the most significant action on climate in the history of the world – YEAH WE KNOW. KNOCK IT OFF, ASSHAT

Make seven bucks and hours?

Erasing history let’s make history. HILARIOUS for the statue destroyers

10:13 And the KKK and Edmund Pettus Bridge. WHUT

We all come from somewhere – and they show Fauxcahontus – we can fight about the border or fix it. I’m READY TO FIX IT

BWAHAHAHAHA

10:19 Now Native Americans. Lord 

And TRUMP SUCKS AGAIN. He’s losing steam again. And he won’t separate families? SCUSE ME

10:09 I didn’t hear MTG yelled to say Laken Riley’s name and amazingly he slid out of it. This is not a good moment for him for powers everyone in the country knows he already has.

10:07 Border bill. What a crock of poo. Struck a nerve with that one. And he really mush mouthed it trying to rattle off how wonderful it was.

10:06 From chips to collections. Told you I couldn’t keep up. He’s saving us chips and chunks. Oh! And now cable, ticket sellers and whatever tf.

SAVE THE CHIPS!!! 

Here with go WITH THE CHIPS!!!

10:00 And now SENIORS Holy crap

IMAGINE IF I DIDN’T SCREAM

OMG watch Johnson What BS

10:00 I’m a Catholic…but here’s the deal TRUMP SUCKS

“I fixed 2 student loan programs” I was told I couldn’t. Yeah. Like a Mafia boss “fixes a problem.

Yeah I BET he wants to make sure “college is more affordable” On my back, dude.

9:57 Oh, here we go with a VP yarn. Of COURSE business leaders would NEVER be interested in educated workers. The #ZenWisdomOfJoe

This is excruciating

Housing downpayments, whatever and now pre-school.

9:54 Sure. Just give more money away, dude.

Great. Dr Jill is leading ladies women’s health research and NOW IT”S COST OF HOUSING TIME!

9:53 ladies and germs, the president of the United States is a freak. A complete freak.

Oh, F**K ME he just whispered.

Okay, lemme apologise again – I can’ t keep up with this bullschlizt. he is all over the screaming map. From Moscow to prescription drugs to GOD KNWOS WHAT AND TRUMP SUCKS. 

9:49 Johnson looks as if he going to choke

Oh, he understands corporations. Never having ever worked for a day in his life, he UNDERSTANDS. Yeah – he was an MBNA corporate tool and knows how to pimp Chinese corps

That Belvidere plant has had plenty of layoffs

9:45 HOPE WAS FADING! UAW WORKED LIKE HELL! This is the segue from family farms SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM

SCREAM SCREAM SCREAm Airports and lead pipes Dear God in HEAVEN is there ANYONE who can make hide nor hair – oh holy schlizt we’re already on family farms!

What a schizophrenic arglebargle

9:41 Jeez I can’t keep up with this. It’s like trying to stenograph an Indy race

Now to Bidenomics A RECORD! A RECORD! Businesses are a little act of hope! That he’s crushing

9:39 Vaccine saved us from COVID are saving us from cancer? Da fuq SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM

Oh, yeah – he knows the way forward. Raging violence took over a million lives?

9:38 Nice little job you have there justices – shame if anything happened to it

9:37 What a sputtering cluster

There is not enough wine in the case for this

And whatever 22 year old wrote the crap on the teleprompter should be hung over the fence at the WH. From Jan 6 we ZOOMY to Alabama IVF treatments?

SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM Holy smokes. He is zoomy af

The threat to democracy must be defended? WHAT?

9:32 He’s screaming already? OMG. AND WE’RE INTO JAN 6 ALREADY? Am I in some sort of Gott danged David Lynch weird flick?

9:29 This has got to be the most disjointed opening I’ve ever heard. And now Reagan? Woof. And right into tearing into Trump? This is a frickin’ disaster already and it’s 2 minutes in.

GTFO – that’s an applause line? Who wrote this crap?

9:27 And ooo he’s starting out REALLY fast. This is where his mushmouth trips up. 

9:27 Oh, well. Guess he’s not that smart. He’s staying

9:25 Oh, man, here we go. 

9:20 Martha pointing out Biden has yet to reach out to Laken Riley’s family. Delighted all these GOP reps are wearing buttons with that girl’s precious face on them. Think they said MTG was going to try to give POTATUS one.

9:19 Actually Steny Hoyer looks worse than Biden tonight. He’s swaying on the breeze on the side there. We seriously need some new blood.

9:17 TADAH! POTATUS emerges

9:12 And here comes the Parade of Incompetents. Sorry. The Cabinet. Aptly named in this case as they are uniformly wooden blockheads

9:11 Dr Jill is *yawn* in the house

9:08 Don’t mind me. Just sitting here waiting for the president like everyone else. How y’all doin’?

9:03 Hume saying POTATUS could well be energetic. Yeah. Empty syringes scattered all over the floors in the White House energetic

8:55 Blech Kamala… and DRINK

8:52 Oh, yay! Batya! I love her. Nice to have a voice of reason “Over-credentialed elites” LURVES

8:49 Oh, yay. He’s all toked…CHARGED up. Charged. I meant to say emotionally excited for his big evening

8:47 This is excruciating

8:44 Great. Running late. POTATUS is trying to kill me

8:35 Holy SMOKES, you guys! Look at Biden’s fan club!

Joe Biden’s SOTU night is off to a rough start as Pro-Palestine protestors have blocked his motorcade route. pic.twitter.com/IDCSKIE4MX

— Media Research Center (@theMRC) March 8, 2024

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Alrighty, you guys – this is the heads up you’ve all been waiting for (please tell me you have…)!!!

At a couple of minutes to 9 EST, I will kick this pig and make sure it is refreshing and scrolling.

*I will also have a full glass of cabernet, with the bottle standing by*

The rules are simple:

1) Be nice to each other

2) Don’t you dare say a word about any spelling or grammatical errors as I’ll be typing like a fiend, not to mention trying to visit with you guys in the comments

3) See Rule #2

Okay. I know you are as excited as I am. Lord knows it should be riveting.

Might even really be sumpthin’ as the potential for disaster is YUGE. 

But I’m still never forgiving Strom for wimping out.

See you in a little bit.

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